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Monday, February 7, 2011

How can I go on?

I would like to share a letter I received.  It cut me to the core when I read it.  There has been some editing for privacy, but I'd like you to visualize how this person feels as you read it.

"I guess I just have a lot on my mind that I need to get out....  There are so many things going through my mind I feel like I am almost going insane.  Literally going insane.  I cannot make my mind just think straight, I want too; I really do, but it just won't.  I wake up every morning and I ask myself, "Is life worth living?  Do I ask for help?" 
My depression symptoms increasingly have worsened consistently over the last month or so.  My anxiety keeps me awake all hours of the night.  I have panic attacks and wonder why I'm even here....I know that if I would just talk about things I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed and confused, but I don't even really know where to even begin to talk things out.  I can't just pin point what is wrong or what is upsetting me.  I just am.  Ya know?  I am so confused with just religion in general.  I don't even know what I believe in anymore.  I've been taking this class at school titled World Religions.  We learn of religions around the world and of the different beliefs, where they originated from, and what they follow.  It makes me so confused.  Is there even such thing as the "true church?"  What is the truth?  Who is God?  Sometimes I drive and just want to keep driving and never turn back.  I feel so alone inside me like I have a deep hole that is never filled.  I look around me and feel invisible.  I hate putting on such a fake smile every day of my life.  No one really knows how I am feeling inside.  Everywhere I go I am constantly fighting the thoughts, telling them to leave, but they don't.  I just keep imagining to myself how much easier it would be if I would just go to sleep and never wake up.  Leave this place, to a place where I am loved.  I have no family, I hate the feeling of that.  I try to think positively because I do know things could be worse.  I do know I have overcome so many challenges, but I just want to be done.  I feel like no one would or can understand how I am feeling inside.  I keep it hidden beneath it all.  I really don't want anyone to know what is truly going on inside my mind.  The thing is is I have seriously no idea why my thoughts are the way they are, that is why I said in the beginning I feel like I'm going insane or something.  I get scared, I sometimes cry because I'm scared I might hurt myself and regret it.  My mind is just like like a teeter totter.  It weighs out the options and I think I am thinking of something clearly, then more things come pouring in and that thought goes down.  I honestly don't know.  I look at my life and I think to myself that I'm living a good life for the most part.  I'm going to school full time and working, studying and staying sober.  Associating with good people.  But then I look at the bigger picture and think seriously, what is the point?"

How can I go on?  What is the point?  There are so many trials thrown at us that it can be painful to even try to endure them.  Know this, our life is a gift!  Being here, having a body, being alive is a gift from our loving Heavenly Father.  It is something that many of our brothers and sisters didn't get to have.  We get to learn and grow.  We go through pain so we may know joy.  The world has it's opposites.  Times may seem dark.  You may not even see a glimmer of hope; but our Savior is that light!  He is there for each of us.  He has overcome all on our behalf.  Cling to Him!  Ask Him for help.  Beg Him for help!  His arms are outstretched wide for us to come.  Go to Him!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Miss you and our talks...thanks for listening to my crying letter

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